when god closes a door, i want to jump out the window

Please join me in my wallowing:

We're lesbians.
We'll buy donor sperm!

Right ovary has crapped out.
I'll take letrozole!

Left fallopian tube is blocked.
We'll move on to IVF!

I'm old and don't produce a lot of eggs.
We'll apply for donor embryos!

My uterus has grown into an inherent form of birth control.
I quit.

We don't know what we're doing yet. But I am giving myself through this weekend to succumb to the eeyoreness of it all.

Bench warmer

Not a good day for the pregnancy journey. If I want to get knocked up I have to have another surgery (myomectomy). But this time, over-night-in-the-hospital, incision-across-my-abdomen, catheter-in-my-bladder, and-a-pain-pump surgery. Like a c-section, but instead of a cute little baby, they take out a chunk of my uterus. And, given the size of the fibroid, they might not be able to take out the polyp at the same time. Which would then lead to a third surgery. And, due to the size of the fibroid, Dr. IVF says if I do get pregnant, I'll have to have a (real) c-section, when the time comes. And there's a good chance my insurance won't cover the next (and the next) surgery.

ANGRY that Dr. OB missed this HUGE fibroid that Dr. IVF called, "a very good form of birth control." (and found on the US in a matter of seconds. wtf.)

SAD that we've hit yet another road block and that my body has been harboring these infertility secrets all these years and I never knew.

DISAPPOINTED that we're still sitting on the sidelines, waiting to get into the game.

FRUSTRATED that my control-freak self is having to let go. Of a lot.

Wait. What?

So there's been a lot of waiting going on over here. CD1 was an absolute tease and after several false starts, she finally got the party started. There was lots of out of character, "thankgodyourehere", on my part. And then I called Dr. IVF to schedule my sonohysterogram.

I'm a list maker (a new one every morning - it's practically the highlight of my day now that I've given up coffee) and getting that CD12-14 appointment was the first step on a long list of things-we-need-to-do-to-get-that-baby-here. SO yay. But, then, imagine my utter delight when the person on the other end of the line scheduled me for a sonohysterogram AND a trial transfer. Wait. What?

Yep, me, a trial transfer. That was like 45th on the Baby Master List. I am counting this as OFFICIAL good news on this damned TTC journey. Next Wednesday. Poked. Prodded. And hopefully handed a plan that will lead us to the doorstep of IVF #1 (and only).

A disease I can't catch

Yesterday.
Phone rings.
BFF: Guess what, I'm pregnant!
Me: OMG, I'm so excited for you (and I can barely choke down these tears)

This morning.
Email.
Good college friend: Surprise! I'm pregnant! With twins!
Me: Again, so excited, and again, biting my lip to keep the tears in check.

I am genuinely happy for my friends. Ecstatic even. I can't wait to meet and love on their babies. I wouldn't wish fertility struggles on anyone. But I surprised myself with the amount of self-pity tears, the disapointment tears, the why-isn't-it-my-turn tears. It makes me a little sick to my stomach just writing it, how infertility has brought out parts of myself I'm not proud of. Not only did I not know I had infertility hidden away in a deep dark corner of my lady parts, I didn't know I had a green eyed monster partial to bouts of self pity hidden away in a deep dark corner of my heart and a secret belief that I can't really get pregnant hidden away in a deep dark corner of my brain.

Now.
On the plane.
The frequent flyer next to me keeps trying to initiate conversation by telling horribly corny jokes. Doesn't he know MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING BABIES and I'm in no mood for levity. Geez.

LMatch - like JDate, but for nondenominational embryos

Ever since embryo adoption became a forerunner on our list of how-to-deal-with-this-damned-infertility, I've been scouring the web for more information. And what I've found is...a lot of Christians. Now, I've been asked, "what did you get for Christmas?", enough times to know that I'm generally surrounded by Christians. And they're generally nice. But I was (naively?) surprised to find that embryo adoption was such a Christian crusade.

There seem to be plenty of embryo adoption agencies out there, run by folks who favor bible quotes as Web site headers. From what I can tell, they work something like live-baby-adoption-agencies. There are lawyers. You pay (significant) fees. And there is some sort of meet and greet process in which embryo makers select their chosen embryo seekers. There is definitely a preferred "profile" and "single" women are not exactly welcome.

It also appears that most IVF clinics have an internal embryo adoption program. Patients in a specific office can donate embryos that are then offered to other paitents in the same office who have been waiting on an embryo adoption list. It's more of an egalitarian affair. Embryo makers and seekers never meet or exchange emails and embryos are offered up on a first-come-first-served basis.

But what about the rest of us? The liberals, the lesbians, the jews, the hippies. Those that don't fit the profile at the standard embryo adoption agencies and don't want to play baby grab bag at the IVF clinic. Shouldn't we have a forum to exchange embryos*? To match the makers and the seekers? Where is LMatch (and for that matter, what is LMatch - LesbianMatch? LiberalMatch?)?

I've seen the generosity of bloggers, sharing meds and advice. What if some bloggers want to share their embryos? I propose we open up our blogs, and for those so inclined, offer up our frozen embryos**. I'll even offer bakeonebuyone as a new-age yenta of sorts***. Makers, seekers, tell me a little bit about yourselves, and let's see if we can't knock this infertility bitch on her ass.****


*It is 100% illegal to sell embryos.
**If you missed the previous disclaimer, it is 100% illegal to sell embryos.
***And again I say, it is 100% illegal to sell embroys.
****Um, we might need a lawyer for this. But it's worth a try, no?

baby grab bag

I don't know, just yet, exactly how I feel about all of the information that was discussed at our first meeting with Dr. IVF today. (side note: S just read this great article about introverts [poster child, raises hand], which explained many of my ticks and quirks, and which pointed out that, when asked about their feelings, it's not that introverts are keeping them from you, it's that they really don't know yet). So I don't know yet. But I'm getting there. And I'm so glad we went this morning.

At this point in the baby hunt, we're seriously considering 3 options: 1) run of the mill IVF (I mean really, can it please just be run of the mill, with no surprise growths that resemble a personal-sized watermelon) 2) IVF with someone else's donated frozen embryo(s) (thanks for the encouragement, Conception Chronicles!) 3) open adoption. They all have their obstacles and their scary bits and their undeniable benefits. But we're leaning toward #2. In fact we are OFFICIALLY ON THE DONOR EMBRYO WAITING LIST. I think I just got whiplash from all the forward motion.

But in the meantime....

I need a sonohysterogram so we can all learn more about the polyp and the fibroid that have everyone up in arms. Unfortunately, we found out today that the test has to be completed CD12-14. And it is currently 5:30pm on CD13 on the Friday before a long weekend. So another month of waiting. And then pending those results, we learn what additional procedures I need before they'll green light any form of IVF. That was the hardest part for me to accept today. The more waiting. And the idea that there is a very good chance no one in our house will be pregnant before the end of 2010. (even the cats are sterile at this point) But, did I mention, we are OFFICIALLY ON THE DONOR EMBRYO WAITING LIST. Which means, at some point, we are going to close our eyes, reach into the baby grab bag, and 9 months later pull out the best parting gift ever. I hope so.

ps
Despite the information overload, we actually both *really* like all of the staff (so far) at the IVF clinic, were incredibly impressed overall, and breathed a collective sigh of relief to be done with surly-dr-ob-of-the-iuis (and both asked in the car on the way home, why didn't we ditch Dr. OB after that first awful meeting in her office?). Lesson learned.