Our Son

So much to say. So little sleep. We met N's birth mother in October. She invited us to be present at his birth and it was the most amazing experience of our lives. We drove 3,000 miles to get him home. We are in love. He is brave, beautiful, inquisitive, and gassy. The birth father has until January 2nd to establish paternity and contest the adoption. We are holding our breath. I have big plans to write about all that has happened and to catch up on all of your blogs. 

IVF #2: Officially BFN

RE called with the news this afternoon.
Even though I knew the answer, it hurt just as much as seeing that single line on Monday.
She thinks we should try again.
I think she's crazy.
Out of 19 eggs, we've only had 3 make it to transfer. We've never had a positive pregnancy test and we've never had anything to freeze.
I think the last question is, donor embryos or done TTC?
Sucks.
Makes me so mad that we didn't jump right to IVF back when we started trying (and we were both 35!). I hate that so much other stuff got in the way (surgeries, hospitalizations, insurance). We worked so hard to fix the other problems, only to end up with eggs that are too old.
I feel like we need to take some time to figure out what our goals are as parents. At 40. Or older.
It used to be we wanted two kids, that I really wanted to be pregnant, and that we really wanted to adopt.
Maybe that looks different now? One kid? No bio kid pregnancies? Open to different types of adoptions?
It's so hard to keep getting back up again.

Not today

So S and I spent all day yesterday being sad over our single little line.
This morning I headed off to the RE for an 8 am blood draw, the whole way telling myself I would *not* cry in the office.
At 8:15, the nurse apologized and said she gave me the wrong test date!!
I have to go back on Thursday for my official draw. (and ps, she said, no more peeing on things)
Of course, I stopped by the grocery store on the way home with every intent of peeing on sticks hourly until Thursday morning. But I couldn't find them. So I left empty handed.
Hope is a bigger bitch than progesterone.

9dp3dt - blank

POAS this morning. Blank.
Blood test is tomorrow.
But I'm calling it.
IVF #2 is over.

No Frosties

The last little embryo didn't make it. I expected that. But I didn't realize how upset I would be to get the call. Part of me thought if #4 made it, then that would be a good sign that the 3 they put back would make it as well. I know it just takes one and that there's still hope, but I'm sad.

2dp3dt - symptoms

Progesterone is really a tricky bitch (or is it the estrogen)? Clearly I can't have any pregnancy symptoms this early (if I'm lucky, those bad boys are just floating around in there, dividing on their merry way).

• Transfer day I was sleeepy. But I blamed everything on the Xanax. I napped and napped and napped. That night I was a little sweaty, but not too bad.
• 1dp3dt I could not keep my eyes open. I wasn't hungry until dinner time and took a 3 hour nap. Unheard of for me! I was kind of hot and clammy all day. Also, commence the heavy duty night sweats (so gross).
• 2dp3dt I'm still tired, but not as bad as yesterday. However, I've been nauseous on and off all day. Around 10:30 I had a crazy bout of low blood sugar (I'm not diabetic, but I do get grumpy if you don't feed me!) and I'm still kind of warm and clammy

Estrogen has a history of making me nauseous. I typically throw up the first night or two after starting bcp. And progesterone notoriously makes me burp! I have all the other standard symptoms of IVF meds, huge sore bo.obs, lower back ache. But those were present prior to transfer. 

All of this to say, the meds are giving my body crazy pregnancy symptoms, which I guess is good, but it's playing tricks on my head!

PUPO

Pregnant until proven otherwise...with triplets! Of our 8 fertilized eggs, we had 4 arrest by day 3. Of the 4 remaining fighters, we had 1 8-cell grade 2 (the little guy in the upper left), 2 more fragmented embryos (no grade given), and one slow grower (no further details given). The embryologist and RE recommended we put the 3 "best looking" embies back. #4 is growing in the lab and if he makes it, will be frozen on day 5. We were both so nervous that we don't remember much else that the embryologist said. She's supposed to call on Monday with news on #4 (our little insurance policy). I hope to ask her some questions then. I supposed the details don't technically matter (these embies are goring to grow and stick or not, despite their percent fragmentation or overall grade). But I want to know.

It's weird to get this far. The most pregnant I've ever been. I feel pretty good. My ovaries are a little sore and my ass is killing me from the progesterone, but nothing compared to the yuck of all the pills and stims of the last 3-4 months. I feel almost normal. I haven't felt almost normal since that myomectomy back in November 2012. I feel *happy*. I'm a little obsessed with every twinge and back ache. I know nothing is going on in there yet. But I think about those little embies constantly. Please let one of them grow and stick and be our take home baby.