I have been full of avoidance lately. Mostly disguised as busy-at-work - with a little bit of off-on-vacation.
My happy side has been consumed with open adoption errands. Trips to the police department for fingerprints and 9.1.1 call records. Searching for photographers that can turn my eeyore mug into something more inviting. Tracking down birth certificates and divorce decrees (the former for me, the latter for S). And it's been great. S and I share happy daydreams and exciting discussions. And we smile and laugh and dream up the perfect parenting response to all the crazy antics our one-day-peanut is going to get in to. Cue the lights and happy-go-lucky sitcom music....
Then there is this other side. The painful undercurrent of infertility that I keep under wraps by taking on too much work and keeping myself too busy and telling myself I'm-done-with-that-grieving-shit. But it sneaks up on me. And I can't read anyone's baby blogs and I can't write my own. I avoid talking to certain knocked up friends. And before I know it, I find myself in the embarrassing situation of crying over my beer in front of a friend and her new girlfriend (AWKWARD). Apparently, I'm not done with the sad.
I'm driving myself crazy (and probably S, too) flipping back and forth. What I wish is:
1. I could go to Target and pick up our new baby next time I'm over there stocking up on toilet paper.
2. And if that isn't possible, I wish I could move forward with this adoption with out any knowledge of my stupid infertility.
3. And...screw that, if we're wishing for baby wishes, I wish I had my 25 year old body with my 36 year old brain...I mean really, why is it when I finally get my shit together (career, emotions, finances, relationships), my body goes to hell?
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ay. no answers for you, i'm afraid. just wanted to say that i'm here, listening.
ReplyDeleteI turn 36 on Thanksgiving day this week and definitely understand the up and down feelings. After our last BFN I have found it hard to read other blogs and haven't felt like writing our own one... my wife finally updated it today. We are in limbo trying to decide on our next step...while the clock is ticking ticking in my ear louder each day. We are also considering the adoption route so I look forward to following along on your journey and wish you both the best. Wren
ReplyDeleteWhere do you guys live? I would be more than happy to do your photos for you... but alas, I have no idea where you are in the world. I'm in the Sacramento area, if you are anywhere near, please take me up on this offer. :)
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