More info, less answers

Yesterday's news was unexpected.
And very confusing.

A quick recap from my last appointment with Dr. IVF:
I go in for a sonohysterogram (salt water up the hoohoo to take a look at the inside of the uterus) and trial transfer. Within seconds of starting the great wanding, Dr. IVF says I have a large fibroid that's acting like an IUD and that is so disrupting the uterine cavity it will require an abdominal myomecotmy (basically a c-section to deliver my fibroid). He says there is no reason to have the sonohysterogram or trial transfer at this point. We cry and make a bunch of life changing decisions.

A quick recap of the call I received from my general OB yesterday:
I have a 3 cm fibroid (considered small!) on the outside of my uterus. Not touching my uterine lining at all. General OB is not sure why Dr. IVF said it was inside my uterus and required such complicated surgery. Then General OB says that the only way to definitively tell if the fibroid is inside or outside is to have a sonohysterogram (the exact test I was supposed to have in October and Dr. IVF called off).

So.
I called Dr. IVF. Offices closed until Jan 3. WTF!!!
And now I'm so confused.
Which information is correct? Fibroids don't just up and move.
We even drove over to Dr. IVF's office, like total lunatics, because we thought there is no way an IVF office can be closed for a whole week - maybe they just gave the person answering the phones a little vacation. Nope. Dark. Locked. Damn it.

So now we have to wait until Jan 3rd to try to track down some answers.

I don't even know how I feel yet. I mean, I feel just about everything (angry, frustrated, sad, out of control, hopeful, confused). You name it. I got it. Even though there were a lot of tears yesterday, I do realize this crazy-making news also means hope. Maybe what we thought was impossible is possible? Our original plan was to bake one and then buy one (hence the blog). Maybe we can now. I don't know. Despite my fears, I was truly excited about our adoption plans. But despite my excitement, I was truly sad to never carry one of our children.

I am trying to be patient. I am trying not to make plans. I am trying not to make big decisions. I am trying not to freak out. We don't know enough. We don't know anything.

If anyone has a fibroid/pregnancy story, will you share?

PTSD

I went back to the OB today.

This is my regular OB, not the horrendously incompetent OB of the IUIs nor the awesomely talented RE of the IVF that never was.

The reason for the visit was two-fold:
1. I've been having repeated dull aches and excruciating sharp pains in my lower abdomen (fibroid growing? scar tissue from dermoid surgery? random GI issue?)
2. I need one last scan of all the reasons we chose not to pursue IVF. For myself. Hope has been trickling in and I have fantastic fantasies of how maybe they were wrong and maybe I wouldn't need as much surgery as they said and maybe we can do this after all. I need to be sure.

So I went.
Yesterday, actually.
But the U/S machine was broken.
So I went again. This morning.
And it was hard. Pants down. Back on the table. Magic wand up and in.
All the old feelings come rushing back. Fight the tears. I've been here before. It's never good news.

And now I wait. Because the OB didn't have time to see me since they had to reschedule yesterday's appointment. She's supposed to call. At some point. Hopefully today.

And I want to know.
Is the fibroid growing? Is it gone?
Will I *have* to have that surgery we once thought was elective and chose not to do?
Could I ever, ever, ever be pregnant?
Should I put the hope to rest for the last time?
If we were magically cleared for IVF, would we do it?
Am I going to be devastated all over when they confirm what we already knew?

A Giveaway!

This is shameless self-promotion in the name of free stuff.
But you might get a $25 gift card out of it (if you read to the end).

I participated in my first giveaway-review-thingy for Blogher.
They sent me a $25 gift card to Kroger and asked me to purchase Proctor & Gamble products and tell you how much I saved.

A LOT. I saved a lot. What with the sales and the coupons and the giftcard and the good value I paid $.79 for:


Nice, huh?
You can do the same.
If you visit the Blogher P&G Giveaway and leave a comment, you could win a $25 gift card to Kroger.
Good luck!

Have you been traveling (yes I've been traveling)

I've been gone and now I'm back.
The first half of the month was for work. The second half was for family.
I have one crazy family...with a little bit of awesomeness tucked in the corner.
We stayed with the awesome part.
Which is roughly made up of my cousin, his wife, and their 3 girls - D (5.5 years), L (3.5 years), and S (2 years).
We played. We colored. We saw tangled.
L drew an impromptu picture...these are your eyes, this is your hair, this is the baby in your belly, and you are crying. Intuitive kid. No real baby in my real belly, but some real tears. And baby making and adoption and infertility hadn't come up the whole trip. Just one of those moments.

Like how S gave me a long sleeved, v-neck, purple shirt. And I gave her a long-sleeved, v-neck, purple and grey sweater. Weird. I wonder if we're starting to look alike as well. (that's funny. if you know us. because we don't.)

On the real live baby front:
1. I have a post brewing about adoption and some fears that have been cropping up
2. Several of the blogs I started following when I first started TTC just had babies (well, the bloggers had babies). I definitely have some feelings about that
3. We're nearing the completion of the 5,678 steps necessary for our homestudy
4. My cousin, who's like 106 years old, just announced her pregnancy

Today's the last day (ish)

I did it. Did you?

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

Genetics

I know a bit about genetics. I even went to a pretty good school to learn about it (them?) (I am reminded of this each month as I send off my student loan check). But while genetics absolutely titllates my nerdy mind, it really holds no personal value. I don't need a genetic link to my child(ren). I don't have some great skill I hope to pass on (I can't sing or draw or play sports with any talent). I don't have remarkable features to bestow (teeth, hair, skin all being generally average...height being decidedly less so). I personally only know half of my own genetics (the other half not being aware of me either). I really just want to be a parent. To have a happy little family.

And then I was going to say, "wtf, so why am I so affected by this damn infertility." But in my writing and wallowing, I just realized...nerdy me has morphed something huge and full of emotion (infertility) into something small and manageable and academic (genetics). I can handle genetics. I cannot handle infertility.

In Orlando for a work thing

There's a Denny's next to my hotel.
Best. Grilled. Cheese. Ever.

Also.
Ps.
Can nuns be doctors? Because I'm pretty sure I just saw one.

Dear Santa

Please bring me some serious meds for Christmas. I am so over the infertility tears hijacking my daily activities.
Thank you,
J

PS
Did you read Howard Jacobson's op-ed on Hanukkah? Apparently little Jewish children do not get presents from Santa. Not even much needed antidepressants. Not even coal. They get worse than coal, they get dreidles!

PPS
The house officially smells like Hanukkah. I made latkes with dinner last night and that greasy yummy smell is lingering like Waffle House set up shop in the kitchen.