PTSD

I went back to the OB today.

This is my regular OB, not the horrendously incompetent OB of the IUIs nor the awesomely talented RE of the IVF that never was.

The reason for the visit was two-fold:
1. I've been having repeated dull aches and excruciating sharp pains in my lower abdomen (fibroid growing? scar tissue from dermoid surgery? random GI issue?)
2. I need one last scan of all the reasons we chose not to pursue IVF. For myself. Hope has been trickling in and I have fantastic fantasies of how maybe they were wrong and maybe I wouldn't need as much surgery as they said and maybe we can do this after all. I need to be sure.

So I went.
Yesterday, actually.
But the U/S machine was broken.
So I went again. This morning.
And it was hard. Pants down. Back on the table. Magic wand up and in.
All the old feelings come rushing back. Fight the tears. I've been here before. It's never good news.

And now I wait. Because the OB didn't have time to see me since they had to reschedule yesterday's appointment. She's supposed to call. At some point. Hopefully today.

And I want to know.
Is the fibroid growing? Is it gone?
Will I *have* to have that surgery we once thought was elective and chose not to do?
Could I ever, ever, ever be pregnant?
Should I put the hope to rest for the last time?
If we were magically cleared for IVF, would we do it?
Am I going to be devastated all over when they confirm what we already knew?