Is that a real thing?
I have it.
Remember when my BFF got knocked up?
And then had a baby shower?
Well, she is due. In a week. (where does the time go?) And we've been hanging out. Catching up, pre-having-the-baby and all. And it's been nice. And after months of waiting, adoption things have started to happen for S and I. So not only were we talking about BFF's imminent baby, but we were talking about my potential baby. We were discussing things like sleep training and breastfeeding. And I felt like a fraud. I felt like at any moment she would point her finger at me (Family-Guy-Scary-Monkey-Style) and declare me an impostor. The thing is, that was all me. She was acting like I would be a real mom. And I was harboring anxiety that I wouldn't. She was excited for me and giving/seeking/exchanging advice with me like any two about to be moms. And I was feeling icky feelings of not being mom enough.
It kind of shocked me. I didn't know all that was there. But it's definitely real. And it's definitely a me issue. Because I don't feel that way about *other* people and their adopted children. Parents who have adopted children are real parents to me. But I have some kind of less than/ashamed thing going on in my head. And it kind of feels big. And I kind of hate it.
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I think once your baby is there and you're actually DOING the caring instead of just reading up on it you'll feel a lot more like the 'real mom' that you are. It's easier if you're pregnant to have constant reminders that this is really happening, but it still IS really happening.
ReplyDeleteThat's normal, you'll have those feeling for a while, it takes a while, trust me. I was in a bit of shock after we brought the baby home. It felt surreal.
ReplyDeletedangit! i just wrote you such a comment, and blogger ate it! bah. i will try to recreate:
ReplyDeletedespite all but seeing the bean come flying out of my own, personal hooha, i also feel like a fraud. i often wonder when his real parents are going to show up. in no way does the fact of having a baby seem connected to the fact of pregnancy, as crazy as that sounds. the first time i really felt like his mother, like there was some kind of comfort i was specially able to provide, was when he got his 2-mo shots and was inconsolable, only fitfully sleeping on my nap for the rest of the day. you'll notice that this feeling arrived late and was about taking care of him, not about our genetic/biological relationship.
i think a lot of people feel this way; bff may, too, when her baby is born. (i didn't anticipate this feeling at all while pregnant. that felt different.) my theory is that some things are just too big for our little brains to hold.
i don't mean to discount the adoption-specific aspects of what you describe, only to provide some reassurance that some of it is just what motherhood is apparently like. who knew?
ditto what isa said. i think it'll change.
ReplyDeletethe closer we get to our due date, the more time we spend getting ready for our baby, the more i think my partner comes to accept that she will be our baby's "real mom" just as much as me. i'm imagining adoption is the same. parenthood is about what you do, not the genes you provide.