Wait in the cafeteria

That was our agency's solution to our high anxiety about birth father's violent past...come to the hospital for the birth, but wait in the cafeteria if he's present. Needless to say we weren't happy with that answer. Not that it might not be good advice if we want to avoid birth father altogether (we don't), but we were expecting more "counseling" on the matter. I guess that's lesbians for you, always wanting to process....

Which of course, we did. Luckily (or predictably?) I had a therapy session scheduled for Thursday anyway, so I introduced my wife to my therapist and we had a little couples counseling on our fears and our hopes. It really helped. We are definitely scared (of all kinds of things...revocation period, unpredictable birth father) but we also really want to be present for this peanut. So we're going to do our best to make this a positive experience and try to manage our fear and anxiety and just be present and take it one step at a time.

Honestly, I feel like an overstretched balloon. I may or may not have about jumped down S's throat when she made an off-hand, innocuous comment about my driving. So what if we cried in the Tar.get parking lot. We also left with 4 bags of peanut essentials (who knew they put all the baby stuff on clearance after the holidays - hello super cute fleece pants for $1.50 - and on that side note - geez, do I love little boy clothes - as well as the designers at Tar.get who make all the little boy clothes look just like itty bitty lesbian outfits). Just sayin':

A few details...a big question

Things have been *happening* over here. I've kept the details to myself a little for privacy's sake and a lot just because it's emotionally exhausting and I only have energy for sleeping and eating cookies. I never knew being chosen by a birth mother would be even harder than waiting for one to pick us.

The good news: she changed her mind again and we met her yesterday and she is all the good things we day dreamed about...most importantly she loves this peanut and wants to be a part of his (it's a boy!) life after the placement.

The crisis: After we met the birth mother we came home and googled the birth father’s name. He was arrested (and since released) for a violent crime last year. Now we’re freaking out. The birth father is against the adoption and we’re afraid he’s going to come over and beat us up or kidnap the baby. Maybe over reacting. But maybe not.

So that’s where things stand. Precarious...with baby set to arrive any second.

We're trying to reach our agency (for words of wisdom) but they are closed for the holidays and the on-call person is in the midst of a more pressing crisis (c-section). We don't know what to do. Brain says run, heart says stay.

Slipped through our fingers

And just like that the roller coaster is over. The birth mother we were working with has not responded to emails (1 from us, multiple from agency) and phone calls (1 from us, multiple from agency). Our adoption counselor recommended we unmatch. She is processing the paperwork right now.

We are grateful for so many things:

• That she didn't change her mind *after* she placed the baby with us
  
• That this process of matching and unmatching has been relatively quick and we can be placed back in circulation after just a few weeks and not after several months
  
• That we didn't get to know her and form a strong emotional bond with her only to have to let her and her baby go
  

We are also sad. Really, really, really sad. Let's face it, even with my whole grateful list, it's not all easy peasy. I'm in a hotel room, getting ready for a work meeting. I wish I was home for this part. For the sad. But I'm in Miami (then Chicago, then San Diego, then home to get the nursery ready...except not. So really, home to eat lots and lots of chocolate). It's been so fun dreaming and scheming with S about everything from car seats to college graduations (OK, we got a little ahead of ourselves). I even got the, um, milkmaids up and running. I'm not quite sure what to do with them now. Just stop the dom.peridone cold turkey?

Also? Last minute hospital placement? You know I'm not going to be able to let that idea go.

Is no news sometimes good news?*

So, we were supposed to meet our birth mother. Sort of a really awkward get to know you over coffee or lunch kind of thing. We called her and she never called back.

Our agency was supposed to set up our official "match meeting" where we go over all the details as far as what happens at the hospital, during the first few weeks, and the next 18 years. They called her and she never called back.

We're feeling a little discouraged over here. It's kind of weird though. Because I'm rooting for both outcomes. I really want her to raise her baby if she feels that's the best choice. And I really want to raise her baby if she feels placement is the best choice. There's sort of no "best case scenario". I think the unknown of it all is really the hardest part. I was telling S, I feel like everything will still be an option until she actually has the baby and we don't get that last minute phone call from our agency. So...everything is up in the air...I'm not really sure what I "hope" happens...I'm mostly OK with it all but sometimes I'm full of anxiety or hope or discouragement or excitement.

In other news, I had my first dream ever about our peanut. My dreams are *always* anxiety dreams. This one had me getting a last minute call to pick up our peanut, putting him in my purse**, and running around town all worried because I had a baby in my purse but couldn't take care of him because I didn't have any diapers or formula. Disturbing on so many levels, no?

*And all this time I wondered what my 100th post would be.
**I don't even carry a purse.