2012: the year I'd like to forget

2012 was a craptastic year...a real life country song:

January
We find out our first open adoption placement is not going to happen. We cry. Looking back, it wasn't the best situation for any of us. I can't believe that little boy is going to be 1 in a few days. I think about him and his mama every once in awhile. I hope they are all well and happy.

February
I get really sad about our roller coaster with baking and buying kids. We even take our adoption profile down because we need some time to regroup. It's funny to look back on that post. I hoped for another match (which happened, but came with it's own set of twists and turns - see May) and maybe another chance at IVF (which also happened, with it's own set of surprise circumstances - see July and December). Expect the unexpected. Lesson learned.

March
S turns 38 and my grandpa turns 93. I love them both. One of my clients offers me a full time job with benefits and IVF coverage. I might have been conflicted about taking the job, but what a miracle to have that door opened for us again. We were/are so thankful. My grandpa is admitted to the hospital, then hospice, and then he passes away. It still doesn't feel real. I love him and miss him. Every day.

April
A quiet month. My new job is still up in the air and S and I are still a little numb from everything that has happened. We put our adoption profile back up.

May
We get the call about our second open adoption match. A woman, who is our age, is looking to place her 2.5 year old son. I secretly judge her for this choice.

June
We learn more about the placement situation. I talk to the birth mother on the phone (and learn that my snap judgements about her were wrong, wrong, wrong) and I talk to her son on the phone (at her request). We start to think this will work out and everyone might benefit. Then the agency tells the birth mother they won't work with her and sends us an email wishing us luck on our continued adoption journey. I lose my shit over that. S applies for an amazing job and gets an interview (spoiler alert: she didn't get the job, but that turned out to be for the best - see October). We go on a much needed vacation that involves sitting on the beach and eating. It's perfect.

July
Four months after being offered the IVF-included-job, they are ready for me to start. I accept, sign the paperwork, and find out I have to wait 3 months for my benefits to kick in. Hope starts to creep in. We are so very very thankful for this opportunity. I turn 38.

August
We renew our adoption home study with our social worker, ditzypants. I get giddy over the count down to health insurance and worry over the surgery and everything that will need to be done to get to IVF.

September
My lovely grandma is placed in hospice. My cousin and I are there to celebrate her 95th birthday with her. She saved my childhood and I can't believe I have to say goodbye. It breaks my heart that she won't know my kids. I know she is ready to go and that she misses my grandpa. I wish that she feels nothing but peace and love. I fret about choosing an RE and make an appointment for the day after my insurance kicks in. S gets an interview and then is hired for a rock star new job.

October
S starts her new job. I meet with my new RE and a plan is put in action. We are filled with hope. My grandma dies, just 6 months after my grandpa left us. It still doesn't feel real and I still can't talk about it. She was an amazing woman. I miss her and love her. Every day.

November
Robotic myomectomy for me. We've been talking about this surgery since 2010. Everything goes amazingly well and we're so relieved.

December
I finally write down my surgery details. We move to a great little house in a great little neighborhood. I toss out the (induced lactation) milk I've been storing for a year. My insurance company approves my first round of IVF. Things are looking up, until I end up in the hospital with too many blood clots.

All I have to say is, fuck you 2012 and someone, please, let 2013 be better.

Thanks. And an Update.

Thanks for all the sweet comments. They've really helped to keep my spirits up. I have my low moments over here and it feels good to be reminded that other are rooting for me.

I'm still in the hospital. Probably be here until Friday or the weekend. My biggest issues are bilateral pulmonary embolism and right-side pleural effusion. Not comfortable. They continue to mess with my blood thinners in the hopes of getting my INR somewhere between 2.0 and 3.0. Today I'm at 1.6. Still no word from my RE, but that's to be expected considering that it's Christmas and all. One of the nurses here gave me a "bible-themed word search" as a Christmas present. Along with some temporary tattoos and candy canes. She must think I'm one of those Jewish Christians ;)

Hospitalized...and need your help

2012 sucks.
I'm in the hospital and will likely be here several more days.
What I thought was a pulled muscle, maybe some anemia, or just general exhaustion due to stress turned out to be blood clots. A lot of them. I have them in both legs (DVT) and both lungs (PE). They think it's due to a mix of my surgery 3 weeks ago and being on birth control. It is physically painful (I'm on several pain meds right now so this post may turn out a little loopy) and I am sad because in about 4 hours S and I will miss our flight back to my home state for the holidays. However, the most crushing of all of this is:
1. I can never take birth control again (ha! just like a lesbian to find that crushing. But really, it was part of my IVF plan and more than just no bcp, I can never have estrogen again).
2. I will need to be on blood thinners until my clots clear. They estimate 3 to 6 months, but sometimes clots take 1-2 years to resolve. I have been waiting so long for this IVF. Waiting and waiting and waiting. It's so hard to be told it has to be put off again.

I am so sad. I was stupid and let hope back in. I was excited about a late Feb/early March IVF. I daydreamed about what it would be like to be pregnant next year. And now I'm crushed. So, I'm wondering from you, does anyone have experience with IVF post-blood clots. How does no estrogen change IVF? How does needing blood thinners change IVF? I know some women take lovenox throughout their pregnancy. But what about needing it before.

I want to stomp my foot and cry that it's not fair. This roller coaster is so hard sometimes. Just when things are looking up, they come crashing down. And time just keeps slipping through my fingers.

My RE is on vacation, but of course I'm going to talk to her about this as soon as I can. Just wondering what your experience has been....Thanks.

Mission IVF: What The Insurance Company Said

Yes! They said yes! I'm approved for 1 round of IVF during March-May 2013. Despite fighting very hard for this insurance (including giving up my own company to take a job with someone else...less freedom, more bosses, etc) I know how very lucky we are to have this opportunity. And I am so thankful for this little piece of good news in our life.

I have an appointment on January 8th for "IVF counseling" with my RE. I cannot wait. We've already established that I'm likely to need significant meds to get my old wrinkly ovaries up to speed. Other topics on the table are PGD (RE recommends it, I'm not 100% sold) and when to start. The tentative calendar looks like this:

November
Surgery - done!
Start bcp - done!

December
Apply for insurance pre approval - approved!
Post-surgery period #1 - done! (sorry for the TMI)

January
Post surgery period #2 (this will likely span late dec/early jan)
Meet with RE for pre-IVF appointment
Post surgery period #3 (late jan)
Day-3 blood draws

February
Post surgery period #4 (late feb)
Start stimming!!! (I know my approval is for March-May, so I'm hoping since my period is expected late Feb that they don't make me wait another month)

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for...COUPONS

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As someone who keeps an entire stack of coupons on her kitchen counter, I hope you enjoy this savings intermission. Next up...Mission IVF: What The Insurance Company Said.

Induced Lactation: Revisited

In October of 2011, we were contacted by a birth mother about a potential placement. I started an accelerated protocol for induced lactation in the hopes of breastfeeding our new baby. I followed the pill regimen for about 3 months and started pumping in late December. Our match fell through in early January when the birth mother changed her mind about placement and I stopped the protocol completely.

So, for an entire year, I've kept that little stash of breast milk in the freezer.

We are moving on Saturday, and as I packed up the kitchen this morning I thew away those little bags I worked so hard to create. I'm a little sad. But with adoption and IVF planning in full force, I also feel hopeful about the future. I am proud of the dedication I put into induced lactation...pumping every 3 hours, pills 4 times a day, washing all those damn little pump parts. It is weird to look back. The first day I started bagging/saving milk was December 29, 2011 (less than 1 oz - I pumped for several days before I actually started saving). The last day I pumped and bagged was January 6, 2012 (almost 4 oz - I think, measuring on those bags never seemed to add up for me). In my mind, the protocol and the pumping went on foreverrrrr. But I guess it was only 9 days. At the time, I felt so discouraged...how could I feed a baby on less than 4 oz a day? But today, I can't even believe that my body quadrupled production in 9 days.

Sometimes I feel weird or ashamed about induced lactation. I haven't told many people IRL (and I certainly won't tell any of them I posted a picture of my milk on the internet!). I think those feelings are loosely related to feeling like an impostor mom as an adoptive mom (but that's another post for another day). But even with those feelings, I don't regret it one bit. Right now, one of my biggest hopes is that adoption and IVF work this year and I can bring all my babies home and breastfeed them together. I know that's a big wish, but I have my fingers crossed.

Robotic Myomectomy: 3 fibroids, 2 (level) endometriosis, 1 polyp

Let me start with the ending, I'm fine. Everything was snipped, clipped, prodded, and scraped and a week later I'm wearing pants (with a real button!) and eating like a champ.

Here's the long version....

Monday was prep day, which included 2 bottles of magnesium citrate. This evacuated my bowels with a constant and disgusting urgency. I made S watch TV real loud in the other room. I'm guessing by the end it was just stomach acid, because...ouch!

We woke at the crack of dawn on Tuesday and headed to the hospital. We were both nervous. While we were waiting to get called back an older lady prayed over me, the jewish lesbian. I guess that's what you get when your hospital starts with the word Saint. Actually, she was really nice and really sweet and who knows, maybe she had something to do with the good outcome. They finally called us back and I changed into my hospital issue attire...gown, hair net, compression socks, and these cute purple warm and fuzzy socks that I didn't take off for 3 days. Really.

They wheeled me over to pre-op and S and I said good by. My anesthesiology nurse looked to be about 12 years old and I completely judged her the instant I saw her and (secretly) rolled my eyes, thinking that she was going to butcher my hand trying to get the IV in. 5 minutes later I reprimanded myself (and my very comfortable IV) as I watched the more experienced anesthesiology nurse call for help after several unsuccessful (and bloody) IV attempts on the patient in the bed next to me (he was in for a hip replacement - apparently pre-op is very communal and by the end of my visit I knew everyone's business).

Anyway, just as I was thinking, don't-judge-a-book-by-its-cover, my anesthesiologist introduced himself. His hands were dirty. Disgustingly, disturbingly dirty. Weird smudgy black stuff was caked under his fingernails, in his knuckles, everywhere. (maybe he's a weekend mechanic) I prayed they would start the antibiotics soon.

And then I woke up.

Seriously, anesthesia is a miracle. Up and chatty one minute, sliced, diced, and don't remember a thing the next. The surgery took about 4 hours. The recovery room and transfer to my hospital room remains pretty fuzzy. Once I saw S (oh how happy I was to see S!) and was settled in my room I started to wake up. I was in quite a bit of pain, but within 30 minutes they added morphine to my IV. No pain after that! But VERY sleepy. I slept and slept and slept, the rest of the day and through that night. I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

Although the pain was minimal, going to the bathroom was a nightmare. I could get up and walk over on my own, which was good. But actually getting my body to let go and pee was an act of god. I had to go so bad, but I couldn't. It took crazy amounts of concentration. I even had to ask S to stop making so much noise so I could concentrate on my piss (I am so lucky she puts up with me!). So the night consisted of feeling like I had to be RIGHT THAT SECOND, disconnecting my leg compression wraps, hobbling to the bathroom, concentrating on the toilet, hobbling back, and waiting for it all to happen again 30 minutes later, all mixed in with vital signs checks (ever 4 hours), blood draws, a visit from respiratory therapy, and the wonder and amazement from the nurse tech who was convinced I must already be dead since my blood pressure would not move from 85/55.

I was released after breakfast the next morning (which was nasty, btw). My stomach was hugely swollen for a few days - still is slightly at 7 days out. I have 4 small incisions - 1 in my belly button, 1 on the left of my abdomen, and 2 on the right of my abdomen. I took percocets for the first few days, mostly to help me sleep because I was so uncomfortable. It was definitely hard to walk and move around. But nothing super painful, just hunched over, sore, swollen, and uncomfortable.

My surgeon took out 3 fibroids (1 monster fibroid that took up the entire left side of my uterus. She did not have to cut all the way through to my cavity [YAY] to remove it, which was one of the scenarios I was worried about. There was also 1 small fibroid and 1 pedunculated fibroid. All removed with no problem), 1 polyp (the same same polyp that was removed 2 years ago, hopefully it stays gone for awhile), and many spots of endometriosis (on my bladder, on my ovaries, on both my uterosacral ligaments, in my cul de sac). My pelvis is always such a surprise!

The good news is (and really, I think this surgery came with all good news), I am feeling much better a week later. There were no issues during surgery, everything was removed successfully with the robot (no c-section cut required), and all my path reports came back negative. I've already had my first post-op period (just want you want post-op, right?) and it was virtually pain-free (that might have just been the percocet, but I'm going to attribute it to the new and improved lady bits). Now, I'm benched for 3 months and then...IVF*!

*Pending insurance approval. Bah.

Checked out

Checking in to say I have checked out. I haven't been dealing well with losing my grandma. Well, I haven't been dealing with it at all. I've just sort of cut myself off from everything...friends, S, work, things that made me happy (like blogging). I know it's not forever (the hiding behind the walls, I mean). It's just that the world feels like a whole new scary sad place and I don't know how to be in it right now. But there's so much other stuff going on that deserves talking about:

• My surgery is on Tuesday. I wasn't scared for my 2010 surgery because I didn't know what was coming. This time I know, and my anxiety is through the roof. At my pre-op appointment this week, my doctor said my fibroid is basically trying to eat my uterus (my words, not hers) and there is a significant chance they will have to cut me wide open (C-section style) to save the integrity of my ute. Fingers crossed that they can do it all with the fancypants robot and I end up with an intact uterus and minimal recovery time
• Adoption. What with all the IVF talk one might think that adoption has been pushed to the back burner. It hasn't. We still want it all. And we're still trying to make it all happen. There always seems to be a lot of paperwork in the second half of the year and we've been plugging away at it (I still don't have TB and I still passed my drug screen with flying colors...although I keep wondering what they would do if any of our tests came back positive). We had 2 matches fall through in 2012 (one in January and one in June), so it's hard not to be jaded. We're currently 146 out of 436 people waiting to adopt with our agency. Feels kind of like being picked last for dodge ball. We know it will all work out when it's the right situation. But it's hard to be patient. And it's really hard to accept that none of our kids will ever know my grandparents. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

There's all kinds of other stuff going on too, some of it really great and amazing (like S's new job and the miracle that is my new health insurance). I'm really glad I have this place, to share my thoughts, and to share in everyone else's celebrations and struggles. I'm looking forward to coming back...after the percocet and depression wear off.

Liebster...a little late

What with the sad and the not showering and the overeating of ice cream, I've fallen behind with the happier things in my life. I was nominated by Lisa over at (Still) Trying to Conceive, who turned 29 yesterday, for the Liebster Award. (Happy birthday, Lisa!)

The Liebster Award is for up and coming blog(ger)s with fewer than 200 followers. It's a way for all of us touched by infertility hell to get to know each other, and the perfect way for nerdy introverts like me to show that we can too be social.

Here's what I have to do to share the Liebster love....
1. Answer questions from the person who nominated me
2. Nominate 11 blogs with 200 or fewer followers
3. Give those nominees their own questions to answer

These are my questions from Lisa:
1. How do you deal with stress?
Ice cream. Mint chocolate chip (from Trader Joe's, although Breyer's will do in a pinch). And if the situation is dire, the next night will include Ben & Jerry's (Americone Dream, Everything But The, or Coffee Heath Bar Crunch).

2. What is your dream vacation?
I think I have 2 and I think I've been on them both (I know, lucky girl). Exploring the history and culture of Israel and getting completely lost in utter relaxation on the beach in Puerto Vallarta. Bucket list vacations include Peru, Argentina, India, and Thailand.

3. If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you be and why?
At the bottom. Because that's how I feel these days. Overwhelmed and under water!

4. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?
It took me almost 38 years to realize it, but I am my grandma's kid through and through. I'm so glad she was mine.

5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Ugh. People in the grocery store who clearly cannot operate the self check out lane, yet insist on standing there with their 500 items and pockets full of change, just wasting my time. god made checkout girls for a reason - he wants you to use them.

6. If you could be a crayon color, what would you be?
Deep, dark blue. That just feels like me.

7. Do you have any pets? If no, why not?
Yes, two cats. Buster - named after Buster Bluth from Arrested Development - seriously, they make the same expressions, and Oso - who looks like a little black bear - even though I do think it's a little weird to name one animal after another animal.

8. What is your favorite holiday?
I'm kind of bad at holidays. There is all that expectation and socializing and family-of-origin disappointment. But I love the little family traditions that S and I are creating together. I love to bake her cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning and I love that she mispronounces, but tries really hard, to say all the Hanukkah blessings.

9. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
Mint chocolate chip ice cream! Is there anything better?

10. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Blog stalk, of course. Read things other than blogs. Take very long walks.

11. What do you do for a living?
I'm a ghost writer. At home. In my pajamas.

Now, go check out my Liebster nominations:
1.West Philly Mama - you have to check out her post on synchronized sleeping
2. Erat Mama - who's family just celebrated a very important first birthday
3. Two Mommies Trying to Adopt - they could really use some encouragement right now
4. Something Remarkable - I just recently found this blog. And I had to read the entire thing. Amazing. Writer.
5. Our Baby Making Journey - they are starting a brand new cycle!
6. Our Growing Family - who always has some of the best parenting advice on the web
7. Apron Strings - and their beautiful Miss M who is 9 months old!
8. Lesbo Parents To Be - who has not posted in way too long ;)
9. Bionic Mamas - also one of the best blog writers out there
10. Counting Chickens - and her cute little Halloween Hippie
11. Hapa Hopes - who is using the next 3 months to get ready for their next cycle

And here are my questions for my nominees:
1. What is your least favorite chore?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow and magically be successful at a new career, what would it be?
4. If you had to live in a US state other than the one you live now (or other than the country you live in now), which would it be and why?
5. What are the name(s) of your childhood pets (if you didn't have any, what about your favorite doll or toy)?
6. If vacationing on the moon became a thing, would you want to go? (why or why not)
7. If you had to pick one food/drink item that you loved, to give up for a year, which would it be (eg, ice cream, coffee, alcohol, pizza)?
8. What is one of your favorite holiday traditions?
9. What is one thing little kid you always wanted for your birthday (or other holiday) that you never got?
10. Horror movie, comedy, or drama?
11. Beach, mountains, or amusement park?

Forever and ever, amen.

My grandma died Monday morning, 6 months after my grandpa passed in March. They were my safe place. I grew up isolated (mine) and with mental illness (not mine). They were where I went to feel OK. I feel lost without them. I'm glad they're free. I hope they're together. I miss them. And love them. Forever.

Patience

It is not my virtue.
Surgery is finally scheduled. First available is last week of November.
I hate waiting!
But planning is my virtue (and my passion. and my security blanket. and my gift. and probably one of the things that most annoys S). And this gives me tons of time to plan.

Maybe, maybe, maybe IVF in March?

AMH, CoQ10, and an RE I like

I was one lucky duck and my RE called and moved my appointment from November 1 to October 11. That's right, last week. I was ecstatic.

Everything is still pretty much status quo. Fibroid needs to come out and the RE thinks she can get it (and the polyp, and some endometriosis, and an extra little pedunculated fibroid they found, and potentially some adhesions from the last surgery) all at once. PHEW! She was very nice and very knowledgeable and I hope she's the one that does my IVF.

Interestingly, my AMH jumped from 1.3 (last year) to 2.0. I was pretty surprised. In my mind, it's due to a mix of the following:

• My right ovary has healed from the dermoid surgery 2 years ago and is finally contributing to overall ovary duties (freeloader!)
• I started taking CoQ10 about 3 months ago and all the anecdotal evidence on the web is true (yay questionable science!)
• Luck

My RE says that the test isn't that sensitive and I'm probably somewhere between a 1.3 and a 2.0. So there's that. But either way, she said, "I can work with that," and you know what that means? It means hope.

Aside from hope, I also have anxiety (story of my life). Here's what I'm anxious about this week:

• Insurance - things were going OK until the insurance case manager (yes, apparently they have those now) asked me how long I'd been having unprotected sex and I got all snarky about my female partner and she pointed out that I have to have had 6 months of unprotected HETEROSEXUAL sex (her emphasis, not mine) to be considered infertile. This may be the one time that I'm glad my lady bits are such a wreck. What with the ovary, the tube, and the ute all having one issue or another, she said I *may* count as medically infertile. Fingers crossed. (I am so mad at myself for messing that up)
• Surgery - I was supposed to receive a call from the surgery scheduler yesterday or today. So far nothing. I'm basically willing the phone to ring (clearly my powers are limited). There is a lot of other random life stuff I need to plan around the surgery. And of course my eggs feel like little ticking time bombs and I just want to keep this whole thing moving along.

Casualties of middle age

Sometimes I look down at myself and I can't believe this is me. The calendar says I'm 38, my aching joints and spreading hips say I'm 48, but I swear my brain says I'm 28. I hear this never reconciles.

Speaking of my angsty 20s, I spent half a year living on a kibbutz in Israel. I was an idealistic vegetarian and believed the world should live on a commune (and that peace in the middle east was a real thing).

Eventually, I had to come home and get a job (and thus my jaded 30s began). But my parting gift to myself was a tragus ring, carefully placed by a young Israeli in a Jerusalem tattoo parlor. I've had it for over 10 years and I love it. It's my personal reminder that I am capable of adventures, past and future.

And this weekend I took it out.

Not forever (I hope). The RE I saw last week referred me to a surgeon. The surgeon ordered a pelvic MRI. The MRI is today. I am a bit nervous. But I'm also a bit relieved. I definitely have chronic lower abdominal pain and I'd really like to know the cause. I'm hoping it's something simple and fixable (the fibroid) and that it's easily and quickly removed as we move forward on the path to IVF.

I've never had an MRI before. I love small spaces (in that borderline-autism-spectrum-temple-grandin-hug-machine kind of way). But I *hate* loud noises. I know I'll be fine. Just jittery about the unknown.

The surgeon is, apparently, very popular and her first available appointment to discuss the MRI results is November 1 (3 weeks from now!). I've been that patient and with a few pushy phone calls got myself on the cancellation list. Fingers crossed for a last minute appointment next week. I'd like to know what's happening and get this surgery under way as soon as possible.

Who would have thought that kid who sold her beat up '82 honda civic hatchback for a plane ticket to Israel would be this infertile lady hoping for a chance at IVF (who, coincidentally,  drives an '09 honda civic hybrid...I guess some things never change).

This is happening

Met with my new RE this morning. He was a nerdy introvert, much like yours truly, so it was an uneasy 20 minutes of too long pauses and awkward interjections. But in the end, we agreed on a plan. It's pretty much the same plan as before. Surgery. IVF. Lots of finger crossing and hope.

He outlined the problems: old eggs, blocked tube, scarred ovary, growing fibroid, polyp, and endometriosis

He complimented where he could: "your uterus has a very nice triangular shape to it"

He gave new hope: robotic myomectomy (vs standard slice and dice), which comes with a shorter (potentially easier) recovery.

He assessed the primary culprit: fibroid has grown 1 cm wider and 1 cm taller in the last 6 months (now approximately 4.5 cm x 4.5 cm). It encompasses quite a bit of the left side of my uterus, pushing my lining way over to one side and obscuring my left ovary (that was kind of neat to see on the ultrasound - I love a doc who describes everything as it's happening).

There are still a few unanswered questions and potential hurdles (clearly I have a lot of googling to do):

• Can they get the polyp at the same time as the fibroid?
• Will my insurance cover the surgery?
• Does robotic surgery mean I can have a vaginal delivery?
• Is robotic as efficient as abdominal in removing the fibroid and preserving fertility?
• Will my insurance require IUIs before IVF?
• And the standard, will any of this even work?

I was a neurotic mess going into the appointment. RE-PTSD is no joke. While I no longer find it embarrassing to drop my pants and hop up on the table, I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and old emotions. One of my coping mechanisms/fatal flaws/annoying habits is to never want anything. And if I do want something, I make sure to work over-the-top hard on getting/achieving it on my own. I can't achieve this myself. And even with help, it may not happen. That is hard for me. But, therapy-worthy issues aside, I am SO GRATEFUL that this door has reopened for us. So, so, so grateful. And beyond excited for the possibilities ahead of us. As Bionic said, "squee!"

IVF stats...what do they mean?

I made an appointment today. With a new RE. My insurance kicks in on October 1 and my appointment is on October 2. To say we are excited is an understatement.

When we first started TTC, we went with the hippie feminist OB office that was linked with the local women's health center. We were super disappointed in the Dr and later regretted following our principles versus looking up reviews and getting recommendations.

When we switched to an RE office, we went with someone who was well recommended in the community. He was awesome and we loved him. Of course, we decided to ditch IVF and that was that.

Now we're back in the game. I looked up SART IVF statistics for the 3 clinics in our city. Wow! I had no idea there could be such a difference. So, this morning, I made an appointment with the clinic that, by far, has the best statistics. Then, I started looking up online reviews. People *hate* that place. Lots of comments about how you're treated like cattle, they're only interested in $, it takes forever to get a call back, etc.

So how do we choose? Do we go with the feel-good friendly place with the considerably lower statistics (think 16% vs 35% success rate in my age group). Do we choose by the numbers? What we want is a successful, healthy pregnancy and baby, so aren't the numbers more important? I know people people spin data all the time (I do it for a living). Could the good numbers place have messed with their stats?

I could seriously drive myself crazy thinking about all of this (the good numbers place has 3 locations and a bazillion doctors...how do I know which is the best?)

Clearly we're back on the TTC roller coaster and the endless obsession with numbers and days and symptoms has started.

An update on girls who rock, governments that suck, and the best grandma in the whole wide world

My girl has been amazing. I've been going through a lot and my girl has stood up under the pressure and taken my hand to help lead me through. I am so thankful.

I did talk to the IRS (who knew the IRS was a nice Indian woman who wished me luck). Apparently, it is now "procedure" to review all adoption claims and request more information. I guess the moral of the story is, don't send too much info the first time around as you want to be sure to have something left to send when they ask for more. I faxed them 25 pages of "more". Hope that satisfies the beast.

This is my grandma. This month she turned 95. This month she was admitted to a hospice. She is beautiful in a million in one ways and she saved my life in a million and one more. I am so grateful to have her. Every day I hope she finds the peace and comfort that she is looking for and that she knows she is loved. 

Why my wife rocks, the government sucks, and saying goodbye is hard

Yesterday, I was telling S that sometimes, late at night, when I can't sleep, I start to have doubts about us having kids. Maybe we're too old. Maybe we'll wreck havoc on their little psyches. Maybe it's selfish to want to try IVF. And this is what my wife said: "We only get this one life and we're going to live it balls to the wall." Somehow that was absolutely the perfect thing to say.

Also yesterday, I received a letter from the IRS claiming that I owe them thousands (thousands!) of dollars. They have denied our adoption credit. Even though the credit clearly states that your adoption does not have to be finalized and even though I double checked with the lady who does our taxes and she said I should definitely file for it. And because our government is all kinds of efficient, I filed my taxes in March, they sent me the denial letter in September, and they would like their 6 months of interest thankyouverymuch.

My grandma is sick. She misses my grandpa. She is tired of being here. It is time to say goodbye. I'm flying home this week to tell her how much I love her.

Labor Day: The time we sacrificed brain cells to the paint gods

S and I decided to give the house a little paint makeover for the Labor Day holiday. First up, the master bathroom. I picked Aqua Smoke.

I thought the name sounded romantic and the color looked beautiful and mysterious. Apparently, romantic and mysterious are not what you want in a bathroom. It didn't turn out that great. Kind of dark and claustrophobic. And poor S now has childhood flashbacks of her mother's love of all things country blue every time she walks in there.

Next up, the den. We went with Golden Orchards. Hokey name. Awesome color. We love it. It's all bright and cheery and beautiful. We added some super glossy white trim and with our ugly-but-pretty maroon shag rug (an impulse buy at Target years ago) it's now my favorite room in the house

And lastly, the dingy, fingerprinty hallway ended up with a fresh coat of Cookie Crumb. Too bad it's not edible like the wallpaper in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.








I think we're done with painting for now. We were over it before we were even half way through the long weekend. Turns out that painting the house when it's 85 degrees out and too humid to open any windows is a really bad idea. But if we weren't high from the paint fumes, we probably never would have finished :)

Countdown: 4 weeks: The big surgery to-do list

4 weeks until I'm the proud recipient of some real live health insurance.

I work in healthcare. And I don't have any. And I will keep my thoughts about the US healthcare system to myself. For now.

Despite the politics of it all, I am SO EXCITED. And nervous. I am very very nervous because so many things have to happen. And not only happen, but turn out well.

• HR has to process my health insurance forms correctly so that my coverage actually starts on October 1 (no small feat)
• My lady bits, which can't grow babies, but can grow fibroids! and polyps! and dermoids! have to still be a good candidate for a myomectomy
• My doctor has to have an opening in late october and agree to book my procedure
• My insurance has to pre-auth and pay for my procedure
• I can't develop any pre-op complications
• My doctor has to be able to get the fibroids and the polyp out in one procedure, and declare my uterus fixed and ready for baby makin'
• I can't develop any post-op complications

Then comes 3 months of recovery and a much longer IVF to-do list. But I'll save that for another day.

Fingers crossed!

Second. Best. Website. Ever.

S is definitely the gay man in our relationship. She is the go to person for design questions, matters of aesthetics, and a bitchy retorts. (Also, sometimes she is also a big ol' queen, but that's another story.) I, on the other hand, am the practical one. I can't tell you the difference between ochre and amber, but I can tell you where to get the best deal on your paint.

Anyway, we're doing some house updating and I've been trying to help with the choosing-of-the-new-colors. My brain hurts.

Enter this.

Hello magic color matcher thingy. I love this place. So pretty! So easy! Everything looks good together and I don't even have worry my pretty little head over what goes together.

You're welcome.

And if you want to know the first best website ever, you can find it here.

Home study renewal...it's a process

Oh ditzypants, what would our home study be with out you?
(likely, a more enjoyable experience)

Phone rings.
Ditzypants: Hi. I'm on your street but I can't find your house. Which side of the street is it on?
Me: Well, that depends where you're coming from.
Ditzpants: I'm at the intersection of your street and your cross street.
Me (looking outside): Well, again, that depends which way you're coming from, but do you drive a grey car?
Ditzypants: Yes.
Me: I can see your car. Just turn around, we're the brick house on the opposite corner.
*Much conversation ensues and after another 10 minutes, she arrives at our house*

Home study interview begins.
Ditzypants: So, this is a home study renewal?
Us: Yes.
Ditzypants: Have you heard from any birth mothers in the last year?
Us: Yes, two.
Ditzypants: Wow! That's terrific! What amazing news! I'm so happy for you!
Me in my head: Are you kidding me? Do you not know how this story ends? Do you see any babies in this house?

Scene.

Anniversary. The "fuck, this-again?" kind.

It's here (well, in a few days). The anniversary of our home study and when our adoption profile went live. I'm kind of...jaded. I have my sad days. And my hopeful days. But mostly, I'm kind of numb. I definitely have my jealous days. And my ragefull it's-not-fair days. And my happy daydreaming days. But sometimes, I'm just really, really over it. Not over the wanting kids - the wanting to be a parent. But over the waiting and wondering. Over the stupid agency. Over the emotional roller coaster.

Here are some stats on our first 12 months with a live profile:

• We were directly contacted by 4 birth mothers
• 1 never called us back
• 1 was not actually pregnant
• 2 were matches
• Our hard-copy profile was sent out by our agency 56 times (that doesn't include the 3 months that they forgot to keep stats. However, it does include the multiple times that they sent it to potential birth families that did not match our "profile")
• There are 411 families listed with our agency (as of today) and we are number 182 (which doesn't mean anything, really, since this is not the local starbucks and we are not in line waiting our turn)
• We started "trying" (one way or another) just 1 month shy of 3 years ago
• We feel more prepared to be parents now than we did 3 years ago
• I feel less hopeful, now, that we will be parents than I did 3 years ago
• We recently moved to a "good" school district, even though we don't actually have any children

Here's to this list looking very, very different in August 2013....

Double Fisting It*

Life is barreling forward like a freight train. The good kind of freight train that you are happy to see and that gives you the the warm fuzzies. I was *finally* offered that job I've been talking about forever. And I took it! Today marks the completion of my first week. It's definitely an adjustment, but I I like it, and I am SO GLAD we made that decision. Bye bye being my own boss, hello health insurance! The sad news is that there's a 3 month waiting period before my benefits kick in (grrrrr), but the good news is that I did some finagling and my benefits start October 1. Bring it. This Fall = me + uterine surgery. Can't wait.  If everything goes according to plan (and it usually doesn't, but I'm hoping for the best here), I'll have surgery in late October and a successful round of IVF in February. Fingers crossed.

In the meantime, we are about 3 weeks out from our 1-year adoption profile anniversary. And that means things are ramping up to renew our home study. It's kind of a bummer because I thought for sure we'd be done with the waiting part before a year rolled around. But instead we just have 2 failed matches. Maybe 3rd time is the charm. (Coincidentally, we were assigned the same ditzypants social worker for our 2012 home study as we were for our 2011 home study. Original story is here: part I, part II, part III)

I'm super excited (and thankful) that we're able to keep both of these doors open. This is what we wanted from the beginning (one successful pregnancy/birth, one successful adoption) and I am glad we're forcing our way down both paths.

*S says this is a very dirty thing to say. Where I come from, it means doing two things at once - particularly, holding a beer in each hand. Either way, clearly inappropriate for the current topic of discussion.

Stuck. Unstuck.

I have not been good at this blogging thing. It was feeling like too much of a highs (yay! good news!) and lows (boo! bad news!) place. But mostly I've been stuck somewhere in the middle. S.T.U.C.K. We've been on this roller coaster for about 3 years now (how did that happen?). And we've put so much of our life on hold. S considered going back to school or getting a different job a million times, but always backed off because, "what if peanut gets here". We thought about moving, but didn't want to make the financial (or even geographical) commitment because we didn't know what was going to happen with adoption or IVF. I never wanted to plan things more than a month or two in advance, even taking long-term work projects would make me nervous..."what if peanut gets here." And honestly, that was kind of a sucky way to spend the last 3 years. So we stopped. Being stuck. And here's what our life looks like now:

Work. S found some amazing opportunities in our city. She applied. She passed the phone interview. She has an on-campus interview next week. I am SO PROUD of her. And we are both so excited for the opportunities that might be headed her way. I know she's going to rock that interview. She's one of those fun, interesting, witty people that other people love to be around (she's the tigger - while I'm one of those people who should live their whole life on the internet - moody, snarky - the eeyore of the relationship). AND, her potential new job believes in domestic partnership (bring on the health insurance!). They don't cover IVF, but they do cover maternity, so we could potentially try to knock me up again. As far as my work, I'm still waiting on the July 17 deadline to find out if I'm going to be offered a new job (with IFV!) or not. It's not looking promising. And I'm feeling rather disgruntled about working with that client in general. However, I'm glad that the offer is still on the table.

Kids. Have I told you how much I CAN'T STAND our adoption agency? I am SO FRUSTRATED with them. The amount of craziness that has gone on is ridiculous. But I feel like our hands our tied (clearly, they ask for their $ upfront for good reason). We have been pushing back and speaking up when we feel like we can. And just taking deep breaths through the rest. I did talk to the birth mother who wants to place her toddler (I called her! On the phone! All scared and introverted like!). I'll admit, I had made some pretty serious judgements about her in my own mind. And I was WRONG. She loves her kids. She's involved in their lives. She's trying really hard to do the right thing. And honestly, I don't know what the right thing is. She doesn't feel capable of parenting and she doesn't have the support to get through this and she wants to give her baby a life she feels she can't provide, so she's decided the best way to deal with all of that is to find a situation with adoptive parents who can provide what she feels she can't (time, patience, experiences, encouragement, etc). I don't know that there's a "good" answer to this situation. If she chooses to continue parenting, I hope she is able to find access to the resources that could help her be the parent she wants to be, and if she chooses to place her child, I hope she picks us, as I think we'd do a pretty amazing job at raising that little boy and honoring his birth mama and what she wants for his life. I don't know where things go from here. At this point we're just going to step back and be available if she reaches out to us again.

Life. We took a vacation! S and I have been working hard. And we were both close to burn out. So we escaped to our own little magical bubble in mexico for a few days and it was absolutely perfect. Did you know Puerto Vallarta was SO GAY? We thought it might be itsy bitsy gay, but no, that town is OUT. When we checked in at our hotel (that pic is not actually where we stayed, just some fancypants photo I found online) they gave us a map of the city and circled the "gay part". They actually wrote "gay part" on our map so we'd be sure to know :) They even asked how long we'd been together and if we were celebrating an anniversary or anything. Sometimes I forget I'm a regular person with a regular wife who lives a regular life. It's nice to be reminded sometimes that being gay isn't so damn weird.

Faster than a speeding bullet

I feel like time is rushing by. Everything is moving forward and changing and I am standing still. I had a really good cry this weekend. And did I ever need it. This constant infertility stuff is hard. Like slamming your fingers in the door over and over and over. And over. I am sad we don't have kids. I'm am sad my kids will never know my grandpa. I am jealous that BFF is now pregnant with her second and we started trying at the same time. I am frustrated by how much I can't stand our adoption agency, but they have us by the balls financially. And this is not a matter of I've-waited-so-long-and-now-I-don't-like-my-agency. They just aren't supportive like we thought they would be. They sold themselves as this great agency that provided support to adoptive parents and birth parents. But really, they are just a glorified marketing agency - and not a good one at that. I sooooo want to complain. But from what I've read online, everyone who has complained has been told to take their profile down until they "deal with their anger". Nice. The top 2 reasons we picked this agency are 1) they work openly with gay people and 2) they said they provide free lifetime counseling for birth parents. But during that last match - before it fell through - we received a letter saying they would not provide counseling to the birth mother because she lives too far away. She lives about 45 minutes from the agency. WTF? And even support via phone is better than none at all! I feel like they bait and switched us. And I feel like a chump for falling for it. But mostly I'm just mad because everyone involved in the process deserves so much more.

As far as real life updates - we haven't heard from the agency in a week regarding the potential toddler situation. I'll email tomorrow to see if there are any updates. The potential job-with-IVF situation is on hold until mid-July, with potential for the "on hold" part to be extended further at that time. The waiting sucks. But I'm trying to be better at enjoying the moment and feeling really grateful (why is grateful not spelled greatful - would make so much more sense?) that I can sleep in or take the morning off to go for a run, and that there are still options open to us, even if they are delayed options.

And, just to document that everything isn't a downer around here - S took a really brave step career-wise and I am so, so, so proud of her. 

Remember

• Remember the baby shower I didn't go to? That baby turned 1 last week. I went to his birthday party. It was awesome. He is awesome. I see him pretty often - we particularly enjoy reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear together. But I'm still glad I ditched that baby shower.
• Remember when we signed up for open adoption and were all excited to get our profile posted? That was 10 months ago. The depressing path is to follow that with the number of months spent on our home study/profile/etc (9.5) and the number of months months spent trying to have a baby (12). But the more exciting path to follow is the one where our agency called us this week about a potential match. Yay!
• Remember that saying, nothing goes as planned? The call from the adoption agency was about a toddler that a mother wants to place. I'll keep most of the details private, except that she has other (older) children and there is a divorce involved. Needless to say, I have a lot of feelings about the whole situation. I don't know much about her and am trying to remember that she is doing what she thinks is best for her child. It's hard though, when you've fought so hard for so long to have kids. Aside from the roller coaster of emotions, we're just waiting to hear more from the agency. I am very interested in learning more. I am very nervous. I am very, very, very sad for that child (and that whole family). It is a little interesting that I wanted to pursue foster care in the beginning but S didn't feel comfortable (she felt it would be too heartbreaking to give them back, especially if we didn't feel they were going back to a safe place). And now this is feeling very foster-to-adopt-ish, except that once the child is placed in our care, we just have to wait a matter of days (not months or years) for it to be official. But that's jumping too far ahead. Today, just remember this little baby that is living in chaos and hope he is well cared for now and in the future.

Things I Don't Like Right Now

Laundry day. Just when I'm feeling all sexy in my baggy jeans, I wash them and am reminded that they are actually a bit on the snug side.

Not knowing. I was supposed to hear about my new job by now. The one that Comes. With. IVF. There was a little change in the logistics of the whole thing which could have sent it one way or another (not hiring/still hiring). I emailed boss man about it and he said he'd talk with the director of my would-be department and get back to me. That was 11 days ago.

Unexpected spicy. I love expected spicy. A lot. But the unexpected kind - like when you're making whipped cream as part of a surprise dessert for your love (hi honey - I hope you don't read this until after tonight) and then you lick your finger only to find your tongue full of deliciousness but your mouth on fire and you can't figure out what the hell is going on but then suddenly remember that you were cutting chilies earlier - I don't like that so much.

Work beatches. Enough said.

Best. Invention. Ever. (well, after ice cream)

Have you ever used google transit?

It helps you plan a trip by public transportation. And by help, I mean it does it all for you, gives you options, and is super duper amazing.

I stumbled on it accidentally. I was trying to get from the airport to a nearby city and I 1) didn't have a car and 2) didn't want to ask any of my crazy relatives to pick me up. Worked like a charm. I can't believe I never knew about this before. I plan to use it always and forever!

(ps. downside. i think it only works in major cities right now.)

I just got the call

I love you, grandpa.

3 Weeks: A Mini Update

• I emailed HR - IVF coverage confirmed - dancing on the rooftops ensues
• Quick call to the RE's office and I have an ultrasound scheduled for the next day - I wanted them to check on my fibroids - if they've grown and surgery would leave me looking like swiss cheese down there, I don't want to give up my self-employment for this new job
• Good(ish) news - I'm an IVF candidate! Primary fibroid has grown - about the size of an orange (I'm working on a bit of a fruit basket - last time I had a dermoid the size of a grapefruit) and I'll still need the polyp removed. But RE says it's a simple surgery (maybe "simple" for him to do, but I'll be in the hospital for 1-2 nights and in bed for 4 weeks!). The day of my appointment it's CD9 and I have only 3 antral follicles (not a promising number), my ovaries are smallish (boo), and he draws blood to check my eggs (for IVF) and my iron (for surgery)
• Talk with THE BOSS at the new job. SIGNIFICANT pay cut confirmed. Also, he's not looking to hire someone right away and won't even know until April if he's actually going to fill the spot (grrrr)
• I talk with S about pros and cons and we decide we want to go for it - now just waiting for official job offer
• My family calls to say my grandpa is dying on the other side of the country
• I catch the next flight out and spend two weeks with family. It is unbearably sad. He is like my Dad, but better, because he is my Grandpa. During one of my visits, he wakes up and is about 75% coherent and we have this great conversation. As of today, he is still alive, but he is not waking up anymore. I am just wishing him pain-free peace.
• While I'm with family, the lab calls with my blood results and I'm within "normal" for everything (the old side of normal) - I couldn't believe it - I was secretly convinced they were going to call to say I was in menopause and should quit being crazy and showing up at RE offices
• I flew back home yesterday. It's been really hard. He was one of the safest places I had as a kid. My kids are going to miss out, there is no one better to share a pepperoni pizza with
• So what's next? As far as IFV - I wait to get the official job offer (hopefully they are hiring in April), I wait to get my new insurance instated, I wait to see if I'm actually going to be covered (IVF requires pre-approval, not sure how my medical history will affect that), I wait for CD1, and then I call to schedule the surgery, cross my fingers, and hope, hope, hope

Shameless Self-Promotion

I like BlogHer.

Sometimes I sign up to do promotions for them.

Mostly, it's because I either like the product or I like the project. Sometimes, it's just because I want to make a buck*. Today it's both.

And with that disclaimer, I offer you my link to appSmitten.

appSmitten is kind of neat. Particularly if you are kind of lazy. If you sign up, they will email you a newsletter showcasing a few apps. You can pick the frequency (of emails) as well as the category (of apps). They even have a special category for kid-friendly apps.

I signed up, and so far I like it. You can sign up too. For free!

*Literally - if you sign up, they will send me a dollar.

A fork in the road

A bazillion years ago (or maybe just 1.5), S and I were sitting in the RE's office and he said I would need 1-2 more surgeries and IVF if we wanted to pursue having biological children. We decided we didn't want to be on that path and a couple of months later we were signed up with an adoption agency.

And about 6 months after we made that decision, I felt like I had changed my mind. And I wanted to do IVF . But thanks to the changes in the healthcare system (don't get me started) I could no longer get maternity coverage. And thanks to the asshat government in our state, I'm not allowed to be on S's insurance. I've regretted that no IVF decision ever since.

I work for myself. I have an awesome business and I love what I do. LOVE IT. But one of my clients just offered me a job. That comes with health insurance. That re-opens the door to IVF.

My business = freedom to come and go when I please. I do my work when I want to and if (when) this adoption finally happens I can cut way down on my hours - we might have to tighten our financial belts a little, but I'll have the option to spend much of my day caring for our baby. And I really want that.

New job = less freedom, but more options. We can do IVF and adoption. I won't always wonder, what if we had tried. I'll still work from home, but I'll be expected to be available from 9 to 5 and not have a crying baby on my hip (and to do some out of town travel). We'll need significant child care.

But what I can't figure out (yet) is, does being sad about not having biologic children mean that I need to pursue IVF, or does it just mean I need to grieve the path not taken. Do I go for the health insurance and pursue the dream of "having" our kids with all of my might - feel like we did everything possible even if in the end all we have is a broken heart and an empty bank account (let's not forget that my lady parts are not in mint condition - with 1 dried up ovary and a rocky uterus I'm not the best IVF bet - but do we make this decision based on fear of unwanted outcomes)? Or do I trust the path we're on and enjoy the freedom my business offers our family?

I want it all. I want IVF that works. And an adoption that works. And a job that lets me stay home, but still pays the bills. Apparently, what I really need is to win the lottery.

PS

I just found out that the state where this company is located has mandatory IVF coverage. However, it's a very small company so I'm not sure if they're allowed to circumvent the rules or if my living in a different state would mean the rules don't apply to me.

You know what's terrific?

Just putting it out there made me feel so much better. (and you guys always leave the nicest [and wittiest] comments...even made S tear up when she read)

Also terrific:

(in bed...with netflix...such a very good bad habit)

(also happens to be good in bed...particularly when I'm feeling angsty)

(S with fresh sand highlights...also good in...well, you get the idea....)

February was so long that it lasted into March

February has been a long hard road. That failed match brought up all the old infertility sad. I knew it was still there, but I didn't know it was RIGHT there. And SO BIG. And f*ck, it just sucks. So I've been avoiding my own blog, but obsessively reading everyone else's. Which is kind of like picking at a scab. Because every time I ready someone else's happy news my gut wrenches for my own sad news. I need to stop doing that (not stop reading, stop acting like good news is finite and if someone else gets some that means I don't get any). It's just that I have this little bit of hope left. That maybe we'll be matched (relatively) soon. And that maybe I'll get health insurance with maternity coverage before I'm 40. And that maybe we'll decide we do want to try IVF for our second kid. And that maybe then we'll be so lucky to complete our family with our original plan (except backwards...buy one/bake one). But then I remember that my insides are a wreck and for me IVF means another surgery (maybe multiple), which would lead to a mandatory c-section should I be lucky enough to get pregnant, and I'd only have 1 40-ish year old ovary making 1 ovary's worth of 40-ish year old eggs. And then I feel like that road would be foolish and I lose all hope. And I start to grieve that path (again). But then somehow, over time, that hope sneaks back in and I start the cycle over (again). The thing is, I'm 37 (and a half!). And I don't know what's going to happen between now and 40 (my self imposed time limit for having kids). And I need to be OK with that. Because clearly, if there's anything I've learned in these 37 (and a half!) years, it's that you don't get to pick your plan...and if you do, the only thing you can count on is it not happening that way.

All about my attempt at induced lactation

You can find it here.

It is also its own tab at the top.

It deserved its own page.

It's an epic saga.

What's been going on

• I feel like all I ever write about are major events in my trying-to-have-kids life. I'd like to change that
• S and I got a new couples counselor. And we've been fighting. And grieving. That's hard work
• Logo is going to produce a new reality-ish series on gay people building their families. I talked to one of the casting people this week (hurdle 1 I guess?). We're considering sending in the paperwork and casting video for hurdle 2. Not sure yet as S and I are pretty private people (see: anonymous blogging). But I do feel like the stories of how we build our families are important. Although, I wish the series was going to be broadcast somewhere other than Logo (ie, preaching to the choir)
• Starb.cks skinny mocha = yucky. Tastes like chemicals
• I got a $5 am.zon credit for filling out a survey (I'm an online survey whore for extra pennies, dollars, sky.miles, and gift certificates). Turns out am.zon is now selling online access to videos. For $4.99 (ie, free with my credit) I downloaded 3 episodes of a cheesy workout video. I huffed and puffed my way through episode 1 yesterday. Things I learned: 1) I am so out of shape (I already knew that, however, the sad sad state of my body has now been confirmed) 2) the internet is a dream come true for introverts - I met my wife, run my business, publish my innermost thoughts, and now exercise all online. Yay!
• Failed matches = hard. I keep blog surfing because I can't stop poking at this wound. I want to stop or just be happy for others who have made it to the parenting side of this journey. But instead I focus on the jealous or the hurt or the it-will-never-be-me. I need to stop that
• I thought this article on parents/children that are gay/Jewish/of color was interesting

Ride is over. Unbuckle your seat belt. Check for valuables.

Being free of the unknown feels good. Everything else feels heartbreaking.

ps

She disappeared again - no response to calls or emails. Agency called the hospital and confirmed she delivered.

pps

Yesterday we were contacted by a woman who is 5 months pregnant. Not sure I'm ready to hop back on this roller coaster.

Things I might write about when I stop being such a basket case

Due date has come and gone. Sometimes I think she has changed her mind, sometimes I think she's just having him later than expected
Trans-racial adoption and the expected reaction from the small-town Southern half of our family and the unexpected reaction (or maybe expected because I already knew they are all damn crazy) from the hippie liberal livin'-on-the-coast half of our family

Induced lactation - the ups, the downs, the need for new (read: bigger) bras to contain these monsters (or as S says, goddesses [thanks S!]), and how sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin while pumping
Giving up all parts of the "birth plan" I had dreamed about when we were TTC and accepting the fact that I no longer get to make decisions about things like vitamin K shots and immediate skin to skin contact
How f'ing excited we are
How f'ing scared we are
The pile of heart meltingly cute baby clothes sitting on top of my dresser - do I ever love pants with animal faces on the butt