Faster than a speeding bullet

I feel like time is rushing by. Everything is moving forward and changing and I am standing still. I had a really good cry this weekend. And did I ever need it. This constant infertility stuff is hard. Like slamming your fingers in the door over and over and over. And over. I am sad we don't have kids. I'm am sad my kids will never know my grandpa. I am jealous that BFF is now pregnant with her second and we started trying at the same time. I am frustrated by how much I can't stand our adoption agency, but they have us by the balls financially. And this is not a matter of I've-waited-so-long-and-now-I-don't-like-my-agency. They just aren't supportive like we thought they would be. They sold themselves as this great agency that provided support to adoptive parents and birth parents. But really, they are just a glorified marketing agency - and not a good one at that. I sooooo want to complain. But from what I've read online, everyone who has complained has been told to take their profile down until they "deal with their anger". Nice. The top 2 reasons we picked this agency are 1) they work openly with gay people and 2) they said they provide free lifetime counseling for birth parents. But during that last match - before it fell through - we received a letter saying they would not provide counseling to the birth mother because she lives too far away. She lives about 45 minutes from the agency. WTF? And even support via phone is better than none at all! I feel like they bait and switched us. And I feel like a chump for falling for it. But mostly I'm just mad because everyone involved in the process deserves so much more.

As far as real life updates - we haven't heard from the agency in a week regarding the potential toddler situation. I'll email tomorrow to see if there are any updates. The potential job-with-IVF situation is on hold until mid-July, with potential for the "on hold" part to be extended further at that time. The waiting sucks. But I'm trying to be better at enjoying the moment and feeling really grateful (why is grateful not spelled greatful - would make so much more sense?) that I can sleep in or take the morning off to go for a run, and that there are still options open to us, even if they are delayed options.

And, just to document that everything isn't a downer around here - S took a really brave step career-wise and I am so, so, so proud of her. 

Remember

• Remember the baby shower I didn't go to? That baby turned 1 last week. I went to his birthday party. It was awesome. He is awesome. I see him pretty often - we particularly enjoy reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear together. But I'm still glad I ditched that baby shower.
• Remember when we signed up for open adoption and were all excited to get our profile posted? That was 10 months ago. The depressing path is to follow that with the number of months spent on our home study/profile/etc (9.5) and the number of months months spent trying to have a baby (12). But the more exciting path to follow is the one where our agency called us this week about a potential match. Yay!
• Remember that saying, nothing goes as planned? The call from the adoption agency was about a toddler that a mother wants to place. I'll keep most of the details private, except that she has other (older) children and there is a divorce involved. Needless to say, I have a lot of feelings about the whole situation. I don't know much about her and am trying to remember that she is doing what she thinks is best for her child. It's hard though, when you've fought so hard for so long to have kids. Aside from the roller coaster of emotions, we're just waiting to hear more from the agency. I am very interested in learning more. I am very nervous. I am very, very, very sad for that child (and that whole family). It is a little interesting that I wanted to pursue foster care in the beginning but S didn't feel comfortable (she felt it would be too heartbreaking to give them back, especially if we didn't feel they were going back to a safe place). And now this is feeling very foster-to-adopt-ish, except that once the child is placed in our care, we just have to wait a matter of days (not months or years) for it to be official. But that's jumping too far ahead. Today, just remember this little baby that is living in chaos and hope he is well cared for now and in the future.