Faster than a speeding bullet

I feel like time is rushing by. Everything is moving forward and changing and I am standing still. I had a really good cry this weekend. And did I ever need it. This constant infertility stuff is hard. Like slamming your fingers in the door over and over and over. And over. I am sad we don't have kids. I'm am sad my kids will never know my grandpa. I am jealous that BFF is now pregnant with her second and we started trying at the same time. I am frustrated by how much I can't stand our adoption agency, but they have us by the balls financially. And this is not a matter of I've-waited-so-long-and-now-I-don't-like-my-agency. They just aren't supportive like we thought they would be. They sold themselves as this great agency that provided support to adoptive parents and birth parents. But really, they are just a glorified marketing agency - and not a good one at that. I sooooo want to complain. But from what I've read online, everyone who has complained has been told to take their profile down until they "deal with their anger". Nice. The top 2 reasons we picked this agency are 1) they work openly with gay people and 2) they said they provide free lifetime counseling for birth parents. But during that last match - before it fell through - we received a letter saying they would not provide counseling to the birth mother because she lives too far away. She lives about 45 minutes from the agency. WTF? And even support via phone is better than none at all! I feel like they bait and switched us. And I feel like a chump for falling for it. But mostly I'm just mad because everyone involved in the process deserves so much more.

As far as real life updates - we haven't heard from the agency in a week regarding the potential toddler situation. I'll email tomorrow to see if there are any updates. The potential job-with-IVF situation is on hold until mid-July, with potential for the "on hold" part to be extended further at that time. The waiting sucks. But I'm trying to be better at enjoying the moment and feeling really grateful (why is grateful not spelled greatful - would make so much more sense?) that I can sleep in or take the morning off to go for a run, and that there are still options open to us, even if they are delayed options.

And, just to document that everything isn't a downer around here - S took a really brave step career-wise and I am so, so, so proud of her.