Checked out

Checking in to say I have checked out. I haven't been dealing well with losing my grandma. Well, I haven't been dealing with it at all. I've just sort of cut myself off from everything...friends, S, work, things that made me happy (like blogging). I know it's not forever (the hiding behind the walls, I mean). It's just that the world feels like a whole new scary sad place and I don't know how to be in it right now. But there's so much other stuff going on that deserves talking about:

• My surgery is on Tuesday. I wasn't scared for my 2010 surgery because I didn't know what was coming. This time I know, and my anxiety is through the roof. At my pre-op appointment this week, my doctor said my fibroid is basically trying to eat my uterus (my words, not hers) and there is a significant chance they will have to cut me wide open (C-section style) to save the integrity of my ute. Fingers crossed that they can do it all with the fancypants robot and I end up with an intact uterus and minimal recovery time
• Adoption. What with all the IVF talk one might think that adoption has been pushed to the back burner. It hasn't. We still want it all. And we're still trying to make it all happen. There always seems to be a lot of paperwork in the second half of the year and we've been plugging away at it (I still don't have TB and I still passed my drug screen with flying colors...although I keep wondering what they would do if any of our tests came back positive). We had 2 matches fall through in 2012 (one in January and one in June), so it's hard not to be jaded. We're currently 146 out of 436 people waiting to adopt with our agency. Feels kind of like being picked last for dodge ball. We know it will all work out when it's the right situation. But it's hard to be patient. And it's really hard to accept that none of our kids will ever know my grandparents. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

There's all kinds of other stuff going on too, some of it really great and amazing (like S's new job and the miracle that is my new health insurance). I'm really glad I have this place, to share my thoughts, and to share in everyone else's celebrations and struggles. I'm looking forward to coming back...after the percocet and depression wear off.

Liebster...a little late

What with the sad and the not showering and the overeating of ice cream, I've fallen behind with the happier things in my life. I was nominated by Lisa over at (Still) Trying to Conceive, who turned 29 yesterday, for the Liebster Award. (Happy birthday, Lisa!)

The Liebster Award is for up and coming blog(ger)s with fewer than 200 followers. It's a way for all of us touched by infertility hell to get to know each other, and the perfect way for nerdy introverts like me to show that we can too be social.

Here's what I have to do to share the Liebster love....
1. Answer questions from the person who nominated me
2. Nominate 11 blogs with 200 or fewer followers
3. Give those nominees their own questions to answer

These are my questions from Lisa:
1. How do you deal with stress?
Ice cream. Mint chocolate chip (from Trader Joe's, although Breyer's will do in a pinch). And if the situation is dire, the next night will include Ben & Jerry's (Americone Dream, Everything But The, or Coffee Heath Bar Crunch).

2. What is your dream vacation?
I think I have 2 and I think I've been on them both (I know, lucky girl). Exploring the history and culture of Israel and getting completely lost in utter relaxation on the beach in Puerto Vallarta. Bucket list vacations include Peru, Argentina, India, and Thailand.

3. If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you be and why?
At the bottom. Because that's how I feel these days. Overwhelmed and under water!

4. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?
It took me almost 38 years to realize it, but I am my grandma's kid through and through. I'm so glad she was mine.

5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Ugh. People in the grocery store who clearly cannot operate the self check out lane, yet insist on standing there with their 500 items and pockets full of change, just wasting my time. god made checkout girls for a reason - he wants you to use them.

6. If you could be a crayon color, what would you be?
Deep, dark blue. That just feels like me.

7. Do you have any pets? If no, why not?
Yes, two cats. Buster - named after Buster Bluth from Arrested Development - seriously, they make the same expressions, and Oso - who looks like a little black bear - even though I do think it's a little weird to name one animal after another animal.

8. What is your favorite holiday?
I'm kind of bad at holidays. There is all that expectation and socializing and family-of-origin disappointment. But I love the little family traditions that S and I are creating together. I love to bake her cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning and I love that she mispronounces, but tries really hard, to say all the Hanukkah blessings.

9. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
Mint chocolate chip ice cream! Is there anything better?

10. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Blog stalk, of course. Read things other than blogs. Take very long walks.

11. What do you do for a living?
I'm a ghost writer. At home. In my pajamas.

Now, go check out my Liebster nominations:
1.West Philly Mama - you have to check out her post on synchronized sleeping
2. Erat Mama - who's family just celebrated a very important first birthday
3. Two Mommies Trying to Adopt - they could really use some encouragement right now
4. Something Remarkable - I just recently found this blog. And I had to read the entire thing. Amazing. Writer.
5. Our Baby Making Journey - they are starting a brand new cycle!
6. Our Growing Family - who always has some of the best parenting advice on the web
7. Apron Strings - and their beautiful Miss M who is 9 months old!
8. Lesbo Parents To Be - who has not posted in way too long ;)
9. Bionic Mamas - also one of the best blog writers out there
10. Counting Chickens - and her cute little Halloween Hippie
11. Hapa Hopes - who is using the next 3 months to get ready for their next cycle

And here are my questions for my nominees:
1. What is your least favorite chore?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow and magically be successful at a new career, what would it be?
4. If you had to live in a US state other than the one you live now (or other than the country you live in now), which would it be and why?
5. What are the name(s) of your childhood pets (if you didn't have any, what about your favorite doll or toy)?
6. If vacationing on the moon became a thing, would you want to go? (why or why not)
7. If you had to pick one food/drink item that you loved, to give up for a year, which would it be (eg, ice cream, coffee, alcohol, pizza)?
8. What is one of your favorite holiday traditions?
9. What is one thing little kid you always wanted for your birthday (or other holiday) that you never got?
10. Horror movie, comedy, or drama?
11. Beach, mountains, or amusement park?