Checked out

Checking in to say I have checked out. I haven't been dealing well with losing my grandma. Well, I haven't been dealing with it at all. I've just sort of cut myself off from everything...friends, S, work, things that made me happy (like blogging). I know it's not forever (the hiding behind the walls, I mean). It's just that the world feels like a whole new scary sad place and I don't know how to be in it right now. But there's so much other stuff going on that deserves talking about:

• My surgery is on Tuesday. I wasn't scared for my 2010 surgery because I didn't know what was coming. This time I know, and my anxiety is through the roof. At my pre-op appointment this week, my doctor said my fibroid is basically trying to eat my uterus (my words, not hers) and there is a significant chance they will have to cut me wide open (C-section style) to save the integrity of my ute. Fingers crossed that they can do it all with the fancypants robot and I end up with an intact uterus and minimal recovery time
• Adoption. What with all the IVF talk one might think that adoption has been pushed to the back burner. It hasn't. We still want it all. And we're still trying to make it all happen. There always seems to be a lot of paperwork in the second half of the year and we've been plugging away at it (I still don't have TB and I still passed my drug screen with flying colors...although I keep wondering what they would do if any of our tests came back positive). We had 2 matches fall through in 2012 (one in January and one in June), so it's hard not to be jaded. We're currently 146 out of 436 people waiting to adopt with our agency. Feels kind of like being picked last for dodge ball. We know it will all work out when it's the right situation. But it's hard to be patient. And it's really hard to accept that none of our kids will ever know my grandparents. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

There's all kinds of other stuff going on too, some of it really great and amazing (like S's new job and the miracle that is my new health insurance). I'm really glad I have this place, to share my thoughts, and to share in everyone else's celebrations and struggles. I'm looking forward to coming back...after the percocet and depression wear off.