IVF #1: CD16: stim day 10 - retrieval scheduled (and a day 3 transfer?)

Appointment went well this morning and they've decided I'm ready to trigger. No more stims for me (which is kind of funny, because that means me and my slow growing old lady eggs actually only had 9 days of injections) They didn't provide any estrogen/progesterone stats this time, but I guess it was all good enough. Every time I'm up in the stirrups I try to remember the follie counts and as soon as my feet touch the ground, I forget. Based on my unreliable memory, there are a few too small 10s and 12s on both sides, 4 large-ish follicles on the right ranging from 15mm to 18mm, and 4 to 5 large-ish follicles on the left ranging from about 16 mm to 21 mm.

The plan is, 10pm trigger shot tonight, 9:30am pre-op tomorrow, and 9am retrieval on Thursday. I can't believe it! (but thank goodness as my ovaries hardly fit in my pants anymore)

Then what happens? I have no idea.

• The original plan: retrieval, fertilize, grow to day 5, biopsy, send  for PGD, transfer up to 2 healthy (frozen) embies with my May cycle
• The backup plan: If there are too few embies to biopsy for PGD (I'm not sure what this magic number is), then we just grow to day 3 or day 5 and freeze. Then proceed with FET in May
• The backup to the backup plan: Of course I want to be pregnant yesterday. Well, three years ago, if we're being honest and making wishes. So, I am sort of putting the idea out there that if there are too few embies to warrant PGD, we just do a fresh transfer next week. The major hiccup being that all of my doctors have suggested I wait 6 months from PE diagnosis (Dec 21, 2012), before I get pregnant. But I'm thinking that I'd rather risk the PE (I had a CT the first week in March that showed no clots) versus risking the freeze/thaw on the embryos, especially if there are just a few (or a couple, or one. please let there be more than zero) (*updated: nurse has me tentatively scheduled for a day 3 transfer on Sunday - fertilization report and doctor's orders will have the final say)

This leaves me feeling:

• Incredibly excited and thankful
• Scared an anxious
• Desperate, when I think about what's going to happen
• Calm, when I think that our little peanut(s) are growing big and strong in my bloaty ovaries right now
• Sad, when I think about my grandparents and how much I wanted them to be here for this (it was recently my grandpa's first yhartzeit. I remember my grandparents lighting yhartzeit candles for their parents and/or siblings, whom I never met. It felt so significant, their love for their families that passed, the ritual, the stories they told me about the people they loved and missed. In the same way that only a child can believe the sun rises and sets with herself, it felt strange, how huge their love and their grief was for people that had died before I had even been born. And now I'm going to repeat that. Lighting the candles, telling my children stories, sharing how much I love and miss my grandparents. I know they might be "here" in their own way, but boy do I wish they were *here*.)